M E R I - Tämä sivu suomeksi - I was talking with a friend about swans and I recalled an evening when a small group of swans brought light to a tired mind, swimming in the darkness. For some reason they chose me from all the people walking on the side of the kanal, and so they followed me. Later on I realized that my double bass that I was dragging on my back may have had something to do with their interest. Like the friend said: "If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck..." These photos failed, but still, they are among my favorites. I was so very sure of that the word "ljus" (swedish for "light") could be pronounced without leaving the L so silent. After a few firm "LJus"- examples my jaw started to clunk the way that I felt my assertiveness was suffering a bit. A little game on the internet is a little game. Last autumn we were playing one game even in ridiculous amounts, him upstairs, me downstairs. I'd say that a big part of our enthusiasm was about being able to finally waste the time together with a good consciense. Airport no longer haunts on our shoulders like a Japanese ghost. I should tie a small notebook on my thigh, so that I could fill it on the fly. Maybe then I could be able to remember my own thoughts. I could remember the things I wanted to. Laughing at oneself is not impossible alone, but is a lot easier with a friend. One repeating element in my dreams is the tortoises found wild outside, the ones that I, naturally, have to save from the cold nature. I wonder, what are they symbolising? Are they? It's possible to sing along the songs that are playing, without thinking about the words or what the songs is about. Then again, I do claim that words and their use is important to me? Come on, Halloween, let's have it! Should do OK with this preparing?       Leftover scrap just can't be       thrown straight to waste?       Find 13 alikenesses. New words! stökig - messy armatur - armature häck - hedge pusta ut - catch breath kvast - broom It's difficult to start with it, get on with it, kick oneself to attack something shapeless and scary, impossible. The solution is immoral and irresponsible, but might just work: I'll start with what is most fun! I may just barely have some idea of how to get from the mall to the main library, but I already have my favorite places for lunch and coffee. With the coffee place it's strongly about enjoying oneself, not just feeling safe. After getting used to emailing, the problem with paper mail is that you start waiting for a reply right after sticking the stamp on the envelope. As I drag two pretty heavy bags with me around the town I ponder, could I survive alive with carrying everything, if I actually liked shopping. New words! uppstudsig - uppiniskainen blänga på - glare bastant - solid vålnad - ghost halkig - slippery In a dream I was told to find a book called "Insanity and Heartburn". Alas, there's no such book. How about Pride and Prejudice? Why do cats occur in my dreams, why do I go around dressed in pyjamas? Should try to remember that a suffering face impression may be interpreted as reluctance... During a week we've visited people, walked around the Ikea, changed the winter tires, assembled some big and small wardrobes.. And still, it feels like we had a total resting holiday week. Not bad. Using ones legs more actively, could be more focused in many areas of life? After having had "Ee i ee i o" going round and round in my head for the rest of the day, I decide to think more carefully in the future when trying to come up with stuff for my students to play. The thought of having changed as a person during the last few years makes it sound like others probably haven't. Well, have you? I guess it's unavoidable: Acting stupidly sometimes keeps you humble in front of the fact that you're not totally perfect? Making up weird stories or sentences to help remembering something later on might take time, but can also be fun. Would be so easy to turn into a massage-place-addict. I can imagine myself whining at the door step: "Do you have any cancelled, free times? How about now? How long would I get with ten euro?" Most often, you are playing as a musician to musicians, or as a musician to people. Today I played to people as a person, and it felt like I could wake some feelings. Can one play to musicians as a person? There was a weekend seminar where we got to open the sunday morning with Adagio by Shostakovich. The athmosphere was somehow especially natural, and it felt goot to be playing there. Afterwards, I was pondering, did the theme of the seminar create the feeling: Facing death and helping the dying. When the talk is, among other subjects, about how the face changes when the spirit and soul, the life moves away.. Could the people who are momentarily less scared when thinking about death, could they be more honest, more tolerant and genuine to others and themselves? After having preached about general manners, playing in an orchestra and other facts of life, she took an eager look around: "Anyone else needing some critical feedback?!" Small moments of beauty: Seeing a warm light and a gate with its shadow when walking the gray streets of central city. A wee little jelly fish swimming to the surface to greet the two friends who sit at(by? on? under?) the canal shore. (sure, it's a beast, but so are we) January was mentally dark and low and I was pretty much lost. The inner fire and core of me was missing, without a known reason or explanation. Now, I exist again, I am whole. At the same time I'm afraid of the disappearing happening again. How do you hold on to a pink cloud? Sometimes it would be easier to be Mari Yli-pieskä, playing the cello. Where does one place an order for getting the previous wall neighbours back?! The new ones are like a Creeck tavern when comparing to the old ones. It's starting to feel like living in a apartment building, for crying out loud!!!!!!! After having fallen from the back of a high, almost flying horse, it is sad to know, already after the morning wake up, that the next one, a normal smallish ride us going to feel like an armadillo. One is still so depended on the quirks of the cosmic equerry. (master of horses) Then again, I am the one holding the reins? I'm always impressed when I see Fjällräven- backpacks. They represent authenticness and honesty. Wouldn't want to get one myself though, they're pretty sad and ugly after all. An improvisation lesson and meeting a bear do have things in common. The comfort zone dissappears so far away in the horizon that you'd want to throw yourself on the ground faking dead, or run away as quickly as the feet would fly. At the same time one tries to tell oneself : "When I keep and show my selfconfidence, I'll keep the situation under control and I get to be a part of something greater than life". Tandem-barrachute jump. Catching a fish, cooking and eating it. Paddling a kanot. Learning sign language. Horseback riding moment. Learning Spanish. Building a snow castle once more..... Should one make a list of goals for the life, or will it only become a heavy evidence of everything that one never gets done? If some people out of shear improfeccionality and lack of humanity break my rights as a human being and an individual, and that actually leads into getting stronger and finding a better direction, do I have to thank them if I don't want to? I was working on a school assignment the whole night, with only two hours of sleep. In the morning I had troubles to come up with an answer to the question at hand: "How long time does it take when the clock is nine, after it has been eight?" Realized that normally it wouldn't be a question at all and it was the sleep debt making life all fuzzy and interesting. Now I have somekind of an idea of how Noak might have felt when people didn't bother or remember to get onboard the ark. You fools! School work, finished in the dream world, have the annoying downside of being a bit more difficult to be shown to the teachers when the morning comes.